2010

"Girls come and go, but Fantasy Football is Forever" ::scratches left brow:: Huh??? When did football get here?? I feel like I just drafted my players and the next thing I know they've already played. We've been waiting for this season for so long.....and boom! Just crept up on us. Jersey Shore style. It's like one moment you're getting a drink at the bar and then next you got some guys junk all up on your ass. And he's gotta boner too, you can totally feel it on your back right thigh. And no matter which way he tries to tuck it, you still feel it. So close. His penis, and your ass, divided by only a couple centimeters of clothing. Sorta like when Andy humped Old Kelly in Galena. I mean, his goo easily could have passed through the fibers of her pj's. Probably did... ....... Anyyyyywayyyy, So Football is back.... Ok, really sorry about that first comment. Been to a few clubs this past week. I'm spending too much time being like Jon (going out with girls) and Euge (making out with girls) that Fantasy Football came out of nowhere. Kinda like the time when Zuehlke tea-bagged me in the face at U of I. So what does a random creepy guys' penis and Andy's goo have to do with Fantasy Football? I don't know...but maybe I'm more gay than I thought. Aiden Will Destroy You vs. Longest Cold Streak Well, it all comes down to Monday Night Football. Boy, doesn't it feel nice to know you already can raise the "W" flag after the Sunday night game? Such a good feeling. Actually, I don't even know where that flag is right now. Wtf...did Forry give it to the girls along with the rest of his things? Eh, they probably ruined it like they did with the Kegerator.....terrible. Not to put pressure on anyone, but this is a huge game for Robb (I thought he was spelling it with two b's now) Longest Cold Streak. Does he want that name because he wants to continue it? I'm sorry, but his FF losing streak is much much worse than Forry's cold streak. Haha, what is it again? 6 years? Just checking. And, he's getting that new computer, which will just extend that record. The only way his dick will get wet is from him spitting on it when the vasoline has rubbed dry from all the masterbating. Ok, ok, enough about Forry. How about Ryan Mathews?? He could have been on Robb's team. But let's not get into that again. I don't need anymore 2am drunk phone calls of him yelling at me and threatening to quit the league and wanting to "Goldberg Spear" Watts. As of right now, Andy is only down 11 points. It's anybodys game. What a way to start the season. This year is going to be fun boys :) The Game of the Week is brought to you by...."The Euge" Anytime you make out with a girl at bar/club it is now refrered to as "a Euge" I pulled a Euge last night with this hottie. I'm def pulling a Euge tonight. I'm Euge-ing (or Eug-ene) tonight fo sho!

This Week on HardCocks with the Weekend in Galena League.... It's New commish vs Old commish. Watts took over the league just like Robert Baratheon took over the Seven Kingdoms when he killed Rhaegar on the Trident. Here's a look back earlier in the week at how both teams geared up for the Sunday Showdown. We see Watts and Tony Romo in a conference room reviewing tape for the upcoming game. Romo- Watts is doing a great job as commish. He's doing everything he can to benefit the league. Just like he's doing everything to benefit this team. We go way back him and I. We attended Eastern together. Hey, remember "SWIM club?" Hahaha Watts- Bwahaha oh god. Romo- We met at Styx. Got to talkin, and I found out that he was smoking a lot of weed with his roomates. Was it Randy, Dan Forde, or Dan Harte...I can't remember. Watts- Yup. Did the Dryer sheet trick and watched That 70's Show. Romo- Well, I wanted in, so we came up with a secret club called the SWIM club. Smoke. Weed. In. Morning. Right before school. Haha, everyone was like, "I didn't know you swam." Haha Watts- Good times. Romo- Hahaha, yeah, remember when it turned into the Suck Wieners In Morning club?? Hahahaha!!! Watt- Ha......*looks into the camera* Hey, you're gonna edit this part out right? Team Cutler Face has just ended their practice. Players return to the locker room. We see Chris Johnson and Frank Gore soaking in bathtubs playing a Chinese drinking game. Wes Welker is showered and dressed, and is waiting for Tom Brady to finish his practice so they could go hang out. Michael Vick is sitting in front of his locker. Pictures of animals with hearts drawn around them are tapped up all over the inside. Vick- It's good to be back. Steve's a great coach. The last time I was here was back in '06 and we won it all that year. It's a good feeling knowing that somebody out there believes in you, trusts you. We share a special bond like no other. And I'm gonna do everything I can to help this team. We cut to Steve in his office with Owen on his lap. Steve- I'm not thinking too much into this game. It's just as important as any other. Owen is coloring on a picture with Red crayon. Steve- I was surprised I got Vick yeah. But I'm taking this one game at a time. We're 1-0 right now, trying to go 2-0. Do I have anything against Watts' decision making so far? No. Owen has scribbled all over the picture. Steve- Would I have done some things different?....perhaps. But that power is out of my hands. Now I can focus on my team. Try to win a title. All while taking care of this lovable little guy. Owen, what did you draw here?? Steve picks up a zoomed-in photo of Watts. It's the Homecoming picture. The one where he went with Jill DeCarlo. He's wearing those ridiculous glasses. There's red horns coming out of his head. And big giant slashes across his throat. Steve- Like I said....."I" have nothing against Watts. Hey Owen, want to tell them the new word you just learned? Ok ready? Watts is...... Owen-..................gay............ The Game of the Week is brought to you by.......HUSHUMS!! Started by Heather in the early 90's. She would give them to Rob when he was formally known as "New" (He was so excited to get the New Air Jordans we started calling him Little New) It's a little tickle under the chin. It represents Friendship, Family, and beyond all else...Love. It made a comeback 9 years ago when Kylie was born. Jeff was the first to give her a Hushum. Last year Scott entered the record books when he was the first to give Aric one. Who will be the first to give it to Heather's next baby boy?? 2 weeks ago it turned into a phenomenon. JonBar set a record. Moulton's giving Hushums to non-Moultons. It has many meanings now. You can do it to be just plain silly, or be like Jeannie and give them out when you're drunk. It can be used to give off positive vibes, or to piss people off (Forry). However you use it, Just have some Fun out there! And be proud to be part of the Hushum Revolution.

KIRBY vs. Pikachu MISSION ACCOMPLISHED *Moulton Clap* Yay!!! Woo-Hoo! We did it guys!! Congratulations.The league is finally fair!! Only 4 Games left in the season, and all the teams are pretty much even. Give yourself a pat on the back. Haha, no, I'm serious....just a little tappy. Go ahead. Just pat yourself on the back right now. No? Ok. This is Perfect. I mean, isn't that what we want? Isn't this why we play Fantasy Football?? Playing in a league that is fair. So when crunch time comes, everybody has a chance to win. It doesn't matter who's on your team, or how many hours you put in, or staying up late to pick up freebees.... Anybody can win. KOOL!! But wait, hold on. Don't get too comfortable. I don't care how crisp your BR's working right now. NO ONE IS SAFE. We don't even know who's making the playoffs yet. These first two games are critical. Why? Here, let me give you the Stewart Scott Stat of the Week: The top 6 teams are battling it out, while the bottom 6 are dueling as well. The league is evening itself out. From the tip, shaft, down to the balls, we're organizing the rankings of contenders. Let's face it, there's not one really good team this year. Is that Forry in first place right now?? Huh?? I beat him. He sucks. Right now I'm sitting between Andy and Ryan. How the fuck did that happen? I guess the Triad is staying true to their beliefs.... Fucked in the rear at all times. Man, I need to win. Actually, I need to win the next two games. If I don't, I won't make the playoffs. Simple as that. I don't need to be a Zuehlke to figure that out. It's a Must Win for everybody and we're all at a dead sprint right now. We just made it to Blockbuster....who will be the ones that make it back? The Game of the Week is brought to you by.... Scottie Seeds. Having trouble getting a girl? Finding it hard to keep that girl interested? Are you looking to get that "Guarantee?" Well, then give Scottie Seeds a try. One bag of Scottie Seeds (3 seeds) will increase your chances of getting with a girl by 91% (9% is up to the guy to actually snap the dick out of the pants and get that thing wet) It's easy, fun, and chub-worthy. Order now, and those seeds will be sprouting quite nicely in no time. And THAT'S a guarantee!!