2014

Here we go Ladies & Gents

Boys and Girls

Givers and Receivers

Spitters and Swallowers

Ticklers and Dicklers

Farters and Sharters

The Greatest group of friends in the whole wide world, in the most exciting League in all of sports. Welcome to another year of Weekend in Galena Fantasy Football! :D

This year, we drafted a week earlier, which made it a total of 2 solid weeks of staring at our teams and masterbating in front of our computers. While this effected the sexual activity of mostly everyone in the league… to Forry this was just a normal 2 weeks.

With all the story lines in place this is going to be the best season yet!

Congrats to forry for getting the 1st pick of the SUPP draft. He had a 1/15 chance to hit it. He had a better chance of logging onto redtube.com, tubegalore, xhamster... and watching new porn he’s never seen before. With a 6.6% chance of landing that first pick … he had a better chance of gaining 4 pounds of muscle in one week.

This is the year of streaks! And no, I’m not talking about the many winning streaks that are on the line…(Jon’s 8 game winning streak vs Zuehlke, Brad’s 6 game winning streak vs Scott, Scuba’s 5 game winning streak vs Watts, Pat has never beaten Scuba or Scott... just to name a few) No, I’m talking about the bacon strips on your underwear. Crop dusting - yes, we all do it - has been huge this year, and what seems like the never ending Shart Week… make sure you pack a spare set of undies to work, school, gym, or whatever country you’re flying to next!

Shhh, quiet... is that Pat complaining about how he should have kept Marshawn Lunch?? Noo, nevermind, that’s just him podcasting...

OMG, do you hear that??? Is that Brad yelling at Watts about rule changes for next year??? Ooops wrong chat. He’s just yelling about how we’re not true Cubs fans...

Wait, shhhh... is that Forry complaining about the Eddie Lacy injury??? Nope, false alarm. He’s just yelling about how he pulled his back lifting his golf clubs out of the trunk of his car and how the biggest chunk of stomach hair just got stuck in his belt and got ripped the fuck out....

WIG wouldn’t be the same if there wasn’t a Huge throbbing rant. Brace yourselves boyz... it’s cumming.

Brad vs Pat

A win this year, would make Brad the only other player (besides Scuba) to win back 2 back championships, which would also make him the only other player (besides Jon) to win 3 titles.

But, will Brad survive another year? This whole off season he’s been skating on thin ice, and not the ice you find at the United Center.. it’s that thin ice they put on the basketball courts over at Mead Jr High. One more slip and Watts will kick him out of the league indefinitely and replace him with Eric Forry, which would make him the only other sibling (besides the Watts’, MoultAn’s, and Nardiello’s.. yup, that’s right, remember when Matt played with us?) to join in on this league.

I don’t want to count my chickens or anything but.. this matchup will probably be the GOTW for week 12. These guys really don’t like each other. If this was a game of Smash Bros., they would only focus on knocking each other off the screen. If this was a game of Mario Kart, they would save their Triple Red Shells to hit each other at the worst time. If this was a game of CIV or Strong Hold 3... then they would... uh.. actually, I never played those games before.. sorry Pat :/

Brad ended last season (including the playoffs) on a 6 game winning streak. Pat ended last season on a 7 game losing streak. With a 2-2 lifetime record, something’s gotta give. It’s Bowser vs Mario. Zangief vs Blanka. Ganondorf vs ... Goron. Who will win this Week 1 thriller?!

The Game of the Week is brought to you by… The ED Ranch Dressing Challenge!! This challenge is all about bringing awareness to Erectile Dysfunction and to take it seriously. The goal to spread awareness is simple: First, challenge a friend. Then they take their smartphone and record themselves squirting ranch dressing on the back of somebody they want to challenge next. Then that person does the same. It can be in real life, or get creative by squirting it on a photo. Have fun! The more ranch dressing the better. And remember, this isn’t meant to be funny like those Cialis commercials, or trying to be cool and add more likes to your FB page. It’s about bringing awareness to a very serious cause.

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Here we go. Week 2.

Half the league we have winners.

Half the league we have losers.

Half of the league has throbbing boners that are straighter than a Forry sober boner.

The other half has their penises detracting like a Pearl Fish squirming his way back into the darkness of a Sea Cucumber’s anus.... yes, that’s a real thing.

Everybody needs to calm down. Don’t start to scrambling - like when watts scrambled and picked Rueben Randle with the 120th pick of the draft.

Hey, so maybe Dez Bryant didn’t have time to Bathroom sink fap the night before.

Or Jaamaaaal Charles didn't take his pre-game Nessie.

Or maybe Doug Martin was distracted because all he was thinking about was trying to bang that bad breath bad body hostess at Big Bowl.

Going down 0-1 doesn’t mean the end of your season... but going down 0-2 might.

Since 2004, 65% of the teams that lose the first two games of the season do not make the playoffs.... there’s a better chance of Forry putting dirty dishes in the dish washer right away, than him waiting for them to pile up in the sink, and then putting them all into the dish washer.

Chillwind vs Beats By Ray

Brandon Funston from Yahoo! Sports asked Rob earlier this week, “How do you feel about your 0-1 start of the season?”

Rob - “You know, I just like to see the game through the eyes of a player: knowing the hard work they put into the game. The blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, determination, leadership, accountability, effort, heart, hustle, muscle, teamwork, unity.”

Not sure if you guys are on twatter, but this popped up on my news feed today:

Adam Schefter @AdamSchefter • Sept 13

@MoultonRob Rumors players are complaining to their own teammates? Players don't want to perform for fans who dog them?? #ChillwindDrama

Rob Moulton @MoultonRob • Sept 13

@AdamSchefter I don't surround myself with garbage, don't wanna be a garbage man. Sry.

.... that’s why I follow Rob on twatter

Alessandro Miglio at BleacherReport.com asked Brad about him starting the Bears Defense, and he told him this right after the game last week...

Brad - That's why our D sucks. They are always on the field. Yea great cutler threw a 72 TD. But boom our D is now on the field another 10 min. Cutler has no time management skills. He's got an arm. And that's about it. We don't need him to be Peyton. Just a tad better than Grossman. He already has weapons and a solid line. And a great rb.

Bears should have let cutler go. Shoulda Kept McCown. Signed Byrd and Talib. Traded Jennings, our 14th pick, and future first round pick for Bortles. Have him develop under Trestman. 3 years boom. Stacked D stacked O. Great QB. Super Bowl shuffle. Boom. Last year cutler said he would take a home town discount instead we wait a year and pay him Super Bowl QB money. Guy hasn't even played a full season. And his record doesn't show he deserves that money. Bears fucked up.

::Brad hops on a 4 wheeler:: BRB GOTTA FIX THE BEARS

....

Since then, Brad’s nowhere to be seen. Waldo can’t find him. Even Carmen Sandiego has given up looking for him.

Will Brad be back in time this weekend?

He is 9-2 lifetime when facing Rob. Who’s MoultAn clap will be louder during this exciting Week 2 matchup??

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Reed and Wright vs The Admirals

::sniff sniff::

Yep, this def smells like a watts brother matchup.

There hasn’t been a smell like this since watts, Pat, and Madeline bottled up their farts in a jar and made their parents smell it.

A House Divided

There was a lot of controversy this summer when watts selected Pat with the last pick of the SUPP draft. Many claim it’s because Pat continually replaces new toilet paper rolls on top of empty ones. Others state it’s because watts hears Pat sing this tune in the shower each morning:

“There goes Mr. Humbug there goes Mr. Chris

If there is a prize for being mean

The winner would be Chris”

Right after the SUPP draft was over, Pat threw a mini rant saying how this league has the dumbest rules. And after watts quickly told him that he would gladly replace him with Eric Forry, this is what Pat had to say at his team’s press conference:

“Gawd I hate Chris. He’s such a fag. All Chris does is make fun of me and drink my dank beer and thinks that there is nothing wrong with it. He acts like he knows fantasy but he doesn’t. He is like a bad Sith Lord. Tries to instill doubt and fear but fails :0”

Maybe Pat is on to something.. I mean, the players on watts team name (Reed and Wright) aren’t even in the starting lineup anymore.

The injured Muscle Hamster isn’t the only one that’s squeaking around here. The last 3 out of 4 wins by watts were decided by an average of 7 points.

But, congrats to Watts for not starting the season 0-2 like he did last year. Actually, since 2002, he has only started 0-2 three times. Ryan, Z, Scuba, and Brad have started their fantasy football season 0-2 four times. There can’t be anyone worse than that right?? ... well... from 2007-2011, Andy started the year 0-2. I haven’t seen a filthy streak like that since the famous “Nile Long Diarrhea Trail” Charlie made in the upstairs hallway which Pat had to clean up... (Pat, btw, is the only player ever to NOT start his season 0-2)

Watts, who is 25% Italian / 75% Owl, has beaten Pat the last two games. Who will have a bigger game? Brees to Colston? Or Foles to Sproles? The winner gets a nice big steaming hot bowl of Fighters Yakisoba!!

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Bigger is Bigger than Bigger and Bigger.

#wow

What a crazy week 3.

Congrats to Dave for being the only undefeated team and the top rank in Pick em with 13 points! The Ent has his balls casting a shadow all over Middle Earth and the entire league right now.

Congrats to Scuba for not starting the season 0-3. His team super shockered the league by defeating Zuehlke 76.42 - 76.40!! The only thing closer than that score was Andy’s penis & Kelly #1’s vagina when Andy drunkenly humped her in Galena while they were both wearing thin.... very thin.... pajamas.

... very very thin...

But was that the closest margin of victory in League history??

Here’s the list of the top 5 closest games ever:

2014 Scuba 76.42, Z 76.40 (0.02)

2009 Forry - 82.96, Watts 82.91 (0.05)

2005 Matt - 100.63, Scuba 100.58 (0.05)

2007 Ryan - 86.41, Andy 86.31 (0.10)

2007 Watts - 74.12. Forry 73.98 (0.14)

Only Watts in 2009 was able to win his next game. Can Z bounce back, or will he be put on forry tilt.

Brad vs Scott

So just like Scuba, Brad also avoids starting the season 0-3. Scott currently has a Fantasy Football Forry Cold Streak against Brad (Brad has beaten Scott 6 years in a row)

These two brothers shared the same bedroom for almost half their lives. And just like Fantasy Football, Brad has beaten Scott in many other MoultAn games such as 1-strike-2-strike-3-strike, Downstairs College Basketball (the epic Shooter vs the Choo Choo Train Twins championship game) The Cushion game, the Rolling Doobies game, and the Eat an entire box of Entenmann’s Donuts game.

Scott’s bench blew up last week scoring a total of 78.3 points! You know you have a good bench when they outscore the starting lineups of 4 other teams (Z, Scuba, Jon, and Ryan) His bench is like a Dildo shop.... no matter which one you choose, the end product will have you splooging all over your bathroom sink.

Brad already has 17 total moves so far this year and he still has the #1 claim for waivers. With this rate he might make history with the most moves in a season.

Here’s the Top 4 most moves made in a season:

2012 - Scott (58)

2007 - Forry (74)

2003 - Scuba (90)

2005 - Rob (1,874 moves on girls freshman year at Eastern)

Two Brothers in a game that will define their season. MoultAn’s can be late to church on Sundays, but, there is no way around it, Fantasy Football always starts on time. Who will win this thrilling Game 4 matchup??

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The First Quarter of the season is now in-between the Cheeks.

Take a good Long, Creepy look at your team.

Go ahead, and Undress each player with your eyes.

Which players are Performing?

Which ones are Sucking the Hardest?

Are there any that Stink? ... but in a good way?

If you had to choose one... what is your weakest Position?

All of these questions can now be answered.

Welcome to Week 5... the official start of Fantasy Football.

In 2007, the league went from a 10 team league to a 12 team league. And every year, there has been at least one team that started the season 0-4. Last year, was the first year that nobody started 0-4, however, there were 5 teams that started 1-3 (Scott, Brad, Forry, Z, Watts) This year, only two teams started 1-3... which means it is getting Harder, and Harder, and even Harder.... omg it’s so Hard... and Harder still to make it into the playoffs.

Just ask Scott, who, last year missed the playoffs for the very first time in his career (dating back to 2002)

For the first time in League History, a 6-7 record was not good enough to break the Surface and get it In.

Gone are the days of Lathering yourself with Lube and Squeaking in with a 5-8 record.

Since 2007, with so many Dirty men in this league... Gone are the days of having a double digit win season. We haven’t see one in the last two years, which is a first in League History.

Also... watts has the longest active streak of missing the playoffs. He’s missed it the last two years. Just had to Unwrap, Roll it on, and Point that out there ;P

Zuehlke vs Ryan

It’s the rematch of the 2003 Finals!! Zuehlke defeated Ryan to claim his first ring.. but, since that win, Zuehlke currently is on a 4 game losing streak vs Ryan (not quite a Fantasy Football Forry Cold Streak) and Ryan has gone 14-1 against him since that loss... 14-1?? That’s insane! That’s like somebody Thrusting their Penis in you 10 times in a row, then about to go back in, but, they fake you out and stop... but then they Thrust another 4 times in a row. That’s the closest thing to rape since Joe Welbaum and Watts humped Jon in Ry’s basement. Who will win this Climatic Week 5 matchup??

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Here we go boyz, we’ve reached the halfway point of the season!

That’s right, it seems like only a week ago Forry snagged the first pick of the SUPP draft and selected Beastmode to carry him throughout the entire season… oh wait.. no, that was a week ago when he gave Beastmode away. Gulp.

Looking at the league standings, it makes me want to watch The Two Towers.

The fellowship has now split into three groups (4-2, 3-3, 2-4) Each teams quest to reach the playoffs stands upon the edge of a knife... stray but a little and you will fail. But hope remains, if your starters stay true and don’t get injured or beat kids, do drugs, or steal cologne & underwear... hey maybe Joseph Randle sharted and needed a new pair and used the cologne to spray his ass. Seriously guys, keep some baby wipes with you at all times... this is the longest Shart week ever.

Lets take a look at the 3 clubs.

The 4-2 cub... or should I say, the Wet Dick Club.

These teams are scoring so much, no wet vacuum cleaner in the world can dry off these dicks.

They have everything going for them, and dat playoff star is only a few wins away.

Then there’s the 3-3 club... or should I say, the Gay Dick Club.

Most of these teams should have a much better record than what they have,

but they have been Gayed multiple times.

Not Madden Gayed, not Kirby Gayed, not even Goldeneye Proximity Mines on Complex Gayed…

Fantasy Football Gayed.

Forry lost to Brad by 0.56 points. Z lost to Scuba by a league record 0.02 points.

And with Scottie at the top of this club, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bugs Bunny make a special appearance at halftime.

And finally there’s the 2-4 club... or should I say the sucking a Bag of Dicks Club.

These teams suck so bad, Becky “The Cheese Grater” Wisneiwski looks like a Gold medalist in the Blow Job event.

Gollum (4-2) vs the Ent (4-2)

Week 4 Dave lost by 1 point, and week 5 he lost by 1.28 points…. he could be 6-0!

No flaming arrows or fiery catapults can defeat Dave that easily.

He’s beaten Watts the past two meetings,

but this Gollum has his eye on the fantasy football One Ring, and his team is playing at ONYX ks ks ks level. Is this the year the Commish wins it all?? That hasn’t happened since 2006.

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Commish vs Commish

From 2003 - 2008 Scuba Mastered the Commish in the WIG FF League. He was the man of the people, back when the league was free and fun. Some call it the “Shire” days. Scuba always found a way to solve even the Loudest of Brad Tantrums.

In 2009, watts took over the WIG FF League and changed his team name. Formally styled as Robert Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Internet Trolls, Lord Specialist of the iPhone resellers, Prince of the Phish Phans, Onyx of Gaylo, and Friend of Candyce who he used to talk to on the phone in High School… he ruled the League with an Iron Fist. Turning a free league into a paid league. Some call it the “Third Age.” In 2010, he even kept the same team name Robert Baratheon, which was the first time he had the same team name for two years in a row.

Scuba used the power of commish to his advantage. Since 2003, here is how Scuba finished his seasons:

2003 - Eliminated in the 2nd round

2004 - 3rd place

2005 - 1st place

2006 - 1st place

2007 - Missed the playoffs

2008 - Eliminated in the 2nd round

This will be watts 6th year as commish. Here’s what he’s done during his reign:

2009 - Eliminated 2nd round

2010 - Eliminated 1st round

2011 - Eliminated 1st round

2012 - Missed playoffs

2013 - Missed playoffs

2014 - ?????

This year, Scuba has come back from an 0-2 deficit and made, perhaps, the trade of the year, and possibly the waiver pickup of the year. He has not missed the playoffs since Owen was born… and it looks like he’s on his way to continue that streak, but will he continue his 5 game winning streak vs watts?? Who will win this butt-hole clenching matchup?!

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*eggplant* vs Purple Ingram

Wow! Look at Forry scoring some points!! His team Blasted like a nice sink fap and raped Zuehlke with the biggest curviest lumpiest gourd in the patch. Just like Forry’s big toe skin… his team was impenetrable last week scoring 163.94 points - the most points a team has scored this season, but is that the record for highest point total in league history? Well, let’s take a look at Scott’s Stuart Scott Stats:

Most Points scored in a Game in WIG FF History

2006 - Dave 190.63

2004 - Ryan 181.12

2005 - Dave 178.64

Scott is on a 3 game losing streak and is averaging only 74 ppg the last 2 games. His Purple Eggplant has been turned upside-down and shrunk down to the size of a sprout. The last time this happened was in the back seat of Ryan’s car after Jimmy Buffet while Kelly #1 was on top of him.

Scott has a 2 game winning streak vs Forry. Will "la machina de passión" go 0-3 on collecting MoultAn heads this year??? OMG my adamantium boner is so nervous… who will win this stimulating match-up??

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Daviators vs Purple Ingram

Forry has a 3 game winning streak vs Dave and……

What theeeeeee what the fffffffuuuu

What in the heck just happened?? Another MoultAn Tantrum (not from Brad) Robby decides he’s taking his talents elsewhere, and Eric Forry looks like he’s finally making his debut sooner than we think…. EH! Great… been working on this for the whole week, and now I have to change it.

The Tantrum Returns vs Chillwind

Denard Xavier “Shoelace” Robinson was selected in the 5th round of the 2013 draft as an “Offensive Weapon” He was the quarterback for Michigan where he won many awards and key victories such as the 2012 Sugar Bowl over Virginia Tech and the come-from-behind victory over Nortre Dame in the first ever night game played at Michigan Stadium (Jeannie remembers that one teehee teehee)

Denard Robinson caused lots of drama this week. Yahoo! has him as a WR/RB. He joins the list of many other players who’ve had multiple positions:

Marques Colston WR/TE

Joe Webb QB/WR

Dexter McCluster RB/WR

CJ Spiller RB/WR

Danny Woodhead WR/RB

Antonio Brown WR/RB/QB

When asked why Denard Robinson was given a WR position in the beginning of the season when he played QB in college, Yahoo! responded… “We really wanted to add on the P position. The “P” stands for penis, because we knew he’d be fucking teams over all year. Just like we fuck over Apple Specialist at the setup table when they try to add our email into the iPhones”

Steve is 12-4 Lifetime record vs Robby, with a 4 game winning streak… if this really is the last time these two teams meet… can Robby make Scuba go 0-3 vs MoultAn’s this year??? Who will win this Epic, most talked about match-up?? GULP

The Game of the Week is brought to you by… NFL.com. It’s fast, it’s fun, easy to play, and you’ll never be Threatened to leave the league. No Drama here, the only games you’ll play are on Thursday, Sunday, and Monday. The http://www.jaguars.com/team/roster.html is NOT the NFL… If you want the NFL… go to the NFL. NFL.com.