2016

Welcome back to another exciting throbbing season of GOTW! This is Scott BAO… no, stop, you’re pronouncing it wrong again. It’s not the actor Scott Bao. It’s B.A.O. (Bad Ass Order). Geez, why is this so hard for people…

It’s going to be a great seez boyz! Lots of History and Legacy on the line for everyone this year. There are more story lines than there are dingleberries in Watts’ buttcrack. Let’s check em out.

8 people entered the Ezekiel Elliot sweepstakes. He’s the most hyped player in Fantasy Football history. Will Zekbebe help Zeebebe bring home the title he hasn’t won since 2003?

Speaking of the Finals… Dave, like the Cubs, has not been to the Finals in the longest time. I’m not sure what’s worse, the Cubs not reaching the World Series since 1945, or, Dave not making the Fantasy Football Finals since 2002. Are the Cubs and Dave on the same path to Destiny???

Speaking of Destiny… it only took Forry 9 long years of raiding to claim his first championship in franchise history. Wait, everyone’s Fantasy Football cold streak is longer than Forry’s? What theeeeee

Speaking of sticking penises into 100lb skinny women… if Fantasy Football was Halo, Watts ranking would be so low, you’d think he was just camping blue room on Guardian the whole time. 2 medals in his whole career (one 2nd place, one 3rd place) Only 3 people are ranked below him in the WIG FF MLG rankings: Matt (no medals) Eric (no medals, who’s only played 1 year) and his favorite buddy Robby (one 2nd place) Last year his booms peaked too early in the season, and he ended up leaving before the 2nd set even finished. Will he make it to the end of the encore this year?? Or will he join the chompers on balloon bridge?

Speaking of his favorite MoultAn … Brad’s still in this league?? How? You know if Scuba was still commish Brad would have been kicked out at least 5 years ago. He’s ranked 3rd on the WIG FF MLG rankings. As long has he’s still here, he’s a threat. Every year that ice is getting thinner and thinner… is this the year he kicks himself out?

Speaking of a winning Commish… Scuba Steve hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2007. With the best draft, and the best looking pubic hair, Scuba is heavily favored to win his 3rd ring.

Speaking of 3 cock rings…“He has that look in his eyes.” - Jason Forry. No, that’s not what Forry will be saying in a few weeks when he’s in Manzanillo (or maybe he will teehee) That was the look Jon had when he was getting ready to draft at Dave’s place on draft night. Jon, the winningest player in league history is back. He missed the playoffs the last 3 years, but with Tom Brady and his new haircut back in a few weeks… Seriously guys.. I’m scared.

Speaking of 3 years in a row… nobody has made it to the finals 3 years in a row. Scoot made it there the past 2 seasons finishing 2nd in both. Only 4 other people have been to the finals 2 years in a row.

Jon

2004 - 1st

2005 - 2nd

Scuba

2005 - 1st

2006 - 1st

Brad

2009 - 2nd

2010 - 1st

Andy

2012 - 1st

2013 - 2nd

Only Andy made the playoffs that third year (3rd place) Does Scoot’s lean forearms have enough to make history?

Speaking of Backstreet Boys… Mr. Auto-draft himself ended up drafting this year. When asked why, he replied, “I Want It That Way.” A win this year will be Larger Than Life.

Speaking of a Large dried out smelly piece of meat … I’m not sure if Eric is a Bears fan, a Packers fan, or a Broncos fan, but he's a fan of picking up players. He’s a Waiver Wire/ Free Agent hawk like his brother (3rd most made moves last season) He barely missed the playoffs. Will he make history by joining Forry as the first winning brothers in FF history??

Speaking of iPhone 7… sure it doesn’t have a headphone jack, but why have a headphone jack when you can have a Russell Wilson? Twitter blew up when Ryan announced his SUPP pick. Ryan’s one word tweet says it all, “Courage.”

Speaking of handsome younger brothers… *sniff sniff* the smell of Ping’s soup means one thing… theres’ a sweaty Pat ready for battle. It took him less time to win a title than it would to travel from Franklin Castle all the way to Swamp Town in the Lands of Grewstar. He’s still hungry for another championship.

Hebrew Hammers vs Daviators

Whoa, we get to see these boys battle it out twice this year? Yes please. Dave actually has the better Lifetime record (11-9) Both teams started last season 0-3… well, Dave actually started the season 0-12. Which Minnesota Man will start 1-0?!

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P1:

KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIR KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY

KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRB KIRB KIRB KIRBY KIRBY

K K K K KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY K KIR K KIR KIRBY KIRBY

KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY

KIRBY KIR KIR KIRBY KKKKKK K K K K K KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY

KIR KIR KIR KIR KIR KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY

KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY KIRBY

K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K KIRBY

P2:

SAMUS

READY TO FIGHT!

Stage Select - CORNERIA

3… 2… 1… GO!

Kirby instantly starts performing his patented gay jumping sword move. Samus quickly defends herself by rolling away to the right and falling down on the bottom right of the Great Fox ship. Kirby keeps doing the gay jumping sword move which keeps shooting out that blue wave so Samus can’t jump up on to the ledge.

CUT TO

Kirby now jumps and does that gay floating move above her and starts to turn into a stone, Samus rolls out of the way, but before Kirby drops, he cancels the stone and lands safely on the ledge to gain his jumps back. Then continues to do the gay floating move.

CUT TO

Kirby does that gay sucking in move. He sucks in Samus and spits her out off the ledge. Then sucks her back in when she tries to get jump back, and then spits her out over the ledge again.

CUT TO

Samus and Kirby are battling on the ground on top of the ship. Kirby’s just rolling around back and forth doing that gay rolling/blocking/grabbing move.

CUT TO

Kirby is doing that gay floating move in the sky trying to stay alive and avoid contact. Samus shoots a guided missile towards him. Kirby floats to the left of the screen to escape it. Out of jumps, he floats down past the front of the ship and then performs his gay sword jump and barely catches hold on the laser cannons underneath the ship. Now he’s in the little nook where Samus can’t reach him.

CUT TO

Kirby taunts Samus with his gay taunt, “Hiiiiiiiiiiii” but at the same moment the laser cannons charge up and fires a laser while he’s standing on it and sends Kirby off the screen.

CUT TO

Samus looks at the screen and says, “Fuck U Kirby”

Forte points!! Wow! What a way to start a matchup! Up 28.90 points and you only played one player? That’s the kind of score you want after a Thursday night game boyz. Zekbebe hasn’t even reached his final form yet. My gawd, he could go off this weekend as well. I don’t think Zuehlke’s Go Ruck Adamantium boner can handle that.

Luckily for Scoot, it’s game 2 out of 3 for DeAngelo Williams who gave him 29.10 last week. Scoot would gladly give himself a OTPHJ if OBJ goes off like a BAMF. This is the week he needs to prove why he’s keeper worthy.

Zuehlke would love to start this season like he did last year, starting 4-0. Scoot hasn’t started a season 2-0 since Tiger Beat started 3-0 in 2009. Scoot defeated Zuehlke in the semi-finals last year, so you know Z is out for some revenge. This is an old school Mrs. Dubinski’s 1st grade recess at Stevenson Elementary School playground type of battle. It’s a 1649 Iowa Drive vs 1649 Minnesota Drive battle. It’s “playing running bases at the bus stop while you wait for the bus to pick you up for school” type of battle.

CUT TO

Kirby respawns. Kirby instantly starts performing his patented gay jumping sword move.

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The Game of the Week is….

There are a few pivotal games throughout the season that could decide where your team ends up when it’s all said and done…. this is one of those games.

Week 3 is here! So, how’s everyones team looking so far??? How are they holding up post draft?? Well, let me put on some shades, stick my hand down my pants, and let me creep on some keepers. Wow wow wow … we got some players struggling right now. Oh Boy, guys are scrambling. There’s already a trade?? Wow wow wow … 2 keepers have been injured and out for the year, 3 haven’t even played a game yet, and 7 keepers have underperformed like a penis underperforming on a drunk Weekend in Galena star gazing night.

Now let me unlock my phone with the home button, head on into my messages app and creep on some first round draft Dick Picks. Wow wow wow … 6 players are either injured or questionable to play this week and 4 players have underperformed like a penis underperforming when you smoke too many bags from the Lolcano.

Hebrew Hammers vs Good Moulton Genes

Wow wow wow … It’s the battle of the 2-0’s! There will still be an undefeated team after this week! Stuart Scott Stat: 2012 and 2009 were the only years that did not have a team start 3-0.

Scuba has started the season 3-0 four times in his career (2013, 2011, 2010, 2008) a win this week and he will have the record for most seasons starting 3-0.

Stuart Scott Stat: Dave is the only other player to start a season 3-0 four times (2014, 2007, 2005, 2002)

This is Pat’s 6th season of WIG Fantasy Football… wait.. what? Already?? In his entire career, he has defeated everybody, but he has never defeated Scuba… that’s right. Scuba is 5-0 against Pat. Last year Scuba beat him 84.32 - 63.98. But let’s take a look at the rest of the meetings:

2011 - Scuba won 101.32 - 100.60

2012 - Scuba won 96.88 - 92.94

2013 - Scuba won 116.70 - 113.78

2014 - Scuba won 109.42 - 109.18

Can Pat come back from this 31.50 deficit and finally take down Scuba so he can start 3-0 for the first time in his career?? Or will his team underperform like a penis underperforms when you just jerked off to your ff team after a win and then the lady boy that you brought home last night wants your giggle stick in him/her one more time before she/he leaves to go to his/her job.

Behatslacha! L’chiam!

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5 teams are fighting for their 2nd win of the season. But can you still have a winning season if you start 1-4? Welp, since 2003, only 7 teams have made the playoffs… GULP.

2003 - Kobe_Is_a_Rapist (Scuba) - Out 2nd Round

2004 - Daviators (Dave) - Out 1st Round

2005 - TIME (Ryan) - 3rd Place!

2006 - PIKES (Robby) - Out 1st Round

2009 - Robert Baratheon (Watts) - Out 2nd Round

2011 - The Raptor Returns (Andy) - Out 1st Round

Who’s that 7th team that made the playoffs? Yup, that’s right you guess it… 2005 I Miss Torii (Scuba) finished in 1st Place. Scuba loves that stat… anything is possible in WIG Fantasy Football!! :D

2 teams are fighting to keep their season undefeated. But, can you still have a losing season if you start 5-0? Welp, if you start 4-0 your team is in pretty much in good shape to make the playoffs. Every team that has ever started 4-0 has made the playoffs except for one… 2011 Champ is here (Brad) started the season 5-0, then lost his next 8 games. Teehee, Watts loves that stat ;P … anything is possible in WIG Fantasy Football!! :D

Butt.. butt… if you start undefeated does that mean you will win it all?? Welp, lets take a look at the all time best starts of the season and see how and where they ended up:

2002 - Pink Bandits (Dave) - started 8-0 - ended 11-3 - 2nd Place

2003 - pirates of the nfl (Ryan) - started 4-0 - ended 7-6 - 2nd Place

2005 - Daviators (Dave) - started 5-0 - ended 8-5 - Out 1st Round

2006 - Der-ek Zoo-land-er (Andy) - started 5-0 - ended 8-5 - Out 1st Round

2007 - Daviators (Dave) - started 8-0 - ended 11-2 - Out 2nd Round

2008 - EPIC FAIL 2 (Scuba) - started 9-0 - ended 10-3 - Out 2nd Round

2011 - Champ is here (Brad) - started 5-0 - ended 5-8 - Missed Playoffs (giggle giggle)

2013 - Wej (Scuba) - started 4-0 - ended 8-5 - 3rd Place

2015 - Is…Is Beef Playing (Zuehlke) - started 4-0 - ended 6-7 - Out 2nd Round

2015 - Derek Zoolander (Andy) - started 4-0 - ended 6-7 - Out First Round

Here’s a Stuart Scott Stat for ya.. 2015 2 Scoops of moultan (Forry) is the only team to start 5-0 and win the championship! Forry loves that stat… anything is possible in WIG Fantasy Football!! 8====D ~~~~

Derek Zoolander vs Forry Mango

We got Trouble my friends. Right here in Galena City! With a capital “N” and that rhymes with Messie and that stands for STOOL!! Ryan is 10-6 Lifetime against AAAANNN-DEEEE! He can talk, talk, talk, talk, bicker, bicker bicker, but will this week be a Shipoopi type week for Ryan, or will Harold F*ckin Hill play his 76 Tromboners and send Ryan on the next train to Gary, Indiana??

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WK8/Set Break Peakin vs Good Moulton Genes

Here we go, a Week 6 matchup for the ages. I got my Ohio State Buckeyes t-shirt on, they won yesterday making it 20 straight road games, man I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for this Game of the Week.

Can you believe this league started all the way back in 2001*? I seriously can’t think of a longer running league in Fantasy Football. But, can watts be FREE* from his streak of winless seasons??

Pat and Watts should not have been brothers… well, at least when it comes to Fantasy Football.

Watts is 4-1 Lifetime against his brother….(Darth Vader voice) Impressive.

He has won the last 4 matchups… (Darth Vader voice) Most Impressive.

Okay, I was trying to get that Star Wars theme going for Pat, but it’s not working. My Vader voice just doesn't work without a fan in front of my face like Chris Farley in that one movie. I’m sure I’ll hear some Chompers comment about it. Go ahead. This post might not even make it up today. Anyway, that may be the only thing going for watts right now. Pat came into the league in 2011, and every year he has done better than watts. Yup, that’s right, take a look at these Stuart Scott Stats:

2011

Curse Breaker - 3rd Place

Sigh - Out First Round

2012

I luv da map de_dust - Out First Round

キャム　ニュートン - Missed Playoffs

2013

The Admirals - Missed Playoffs (11th place)

John Shepard - Missed Playoffs (12th place)

2014

Eric’s Future Team - 1st Place

WhereDidItGoWrong? - Missed Playoffs

2015

Good Moulton Genes - 3rd Place

Grats Z - Out First Round

I mean, after seeing that stat, Pat’s penis hasn’t been that hard since… well, probably after seeing the Rogue One trailer earlier this week… well, actually, no, probably since he played with his PSVR last night. Actually, does his penis never not get hard???

Watts has had his ASS HANDED* to him all year. His team has only scored a total of 407 points. And since I love competing the two.. the former Commish (Scuba) has scored a total of 555* points. It seems like he's walking through SAND* He needs to get BACK ON THE TRAIN* and get his head out of the DIRT* and his MEATSTICK* away from hairless nips. I don't know man, he’s RUNNING OUT OF TIME* it’s like he can’t get out of this MAZE*

Maybe if he didn’t start researching his Fantasy Football a couple days before the draft, which was 46 DAYS* ago, he might be in a better position.

Are we going to see some Gronk Phunk today? Will Pat finally get his YEM bomb this week, or will his WOLFMAN’S BROTHER* get ZEROED* during the encore??

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* - names of Phish songs teehee