2020

Frsh Prnce o Helaire vs. Mack Attack ::in a Johnny “Red” Kerr when Jordan, wearing #45, hits the game winning buzzer beating shot against Steve Smith and the Atlanta Hawks voice:: “HE IS NOW BACK!” Welcome back Robby to the Weekend in Galena Fantasy Football League! He’s the second person to leave the league and come back from retiring (Euge retired in 2010 and came back in 2018) Rob’s press conference was short when he announced his comeback… “I’m Back.” 2014 was his last season. What else has Rob missed since he’s been gone? Well, let’s catch him up real quick. PPR has been in effect for a few years - something Rob never experienced during his career. Last year Eric had 2 games that entered the top 3 Most Points Scored in a Game with 189.32 & 182.92. Almost beating out Dave’s record of 190.63 Most Points Scored in a Game back in 2006. Ryan also had a score of 181.10 in 2018… with the Superflex in full throttle this year, will Dave’s record be broken?? Also, Watts still has the record for Lowest Points Scored in a Game with 33.13. Bwww Bwww Oh man, that’s not a record you want engraved in the history books. Will that record ever be broken?? In 2014 the Closest Margin of Victory happened. Scuba Steve defeated Zuehlke with a score of 76.42 - 76.40 … that still remains the record. In 2011, Zuehlke holds the record for the worst start in FF history going 0-10 (finished the season 1-12) … that still remains the record. Jon hasn’t played Zuehlke twice in the regular season since 2008. That streak will continue this year. Scott and Watts still have not won a ring yet. After a 14 year drought, Dave won his first ring in 2016 (the Cubs ended their drought that same year) Scuba Steve won another ring in 2018 bringing his championship total to 3 (tied with Jon) But Scuba retired after finishing 2nd place last year coming up short with a Back 2 Back championship. He is the only one ever to repeat. Forry beat him last year. Can he do it?? ::in a Johnny “Red” Kerr - Airtime documentary at the 5 minute mark voice:: “WHAT A WAY TO START THE SEASON” Eric’s rookie RB Clyde Edwards-Helaire scored 19 points in his debut. Deshaun Watson gave Rob 21 points while David Johnson got 18 on his bench. Both teams have to feel good after the Thursday night game. The first week is the toughest week in Fantasy Football. We don’t know what team we have yet. Right now we all have the best team! Everyone has a shot to win right now. This is why more people masturbate during the week leading up to the NFL season than any other weeks throughout the year. Half of you have already nutted midway through reading this Game of the Week… you know who you are ;P This year there were no preseason games. Teams cut players from 80 right down to 53. This is the most important game of the seez. Eric and Rob’s lifetime record is 0-0. Who will win this historic first matchup? ::in a Hank Williams Jr. voice:: “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!?” I have one hand… no, two hands on my penis. I’m ready. Are you?? The Game of the Week is brought to you by… Weekend in Galena Fantasy Football team logo masks!! Support your favorite team by wearing the newest hottest trend in facial masks. Choose from teams this season or from seasons past* such as Sexy Little Otters, Old Balls, Jessica Bushek, Double Scissors, HomeWreckers, Shmickity Shmum, Gumbatti, Pikes, The Angry Pirates, Nancy Nalepa, The Galaxy, The Raptor Returns, kelly’s cat, Ninja-Turtle Robbies, Brad’s Tantrum, John Shepard, Good Moulton Genes and the Daviators. With our patented soft cotton and filter free loose fit design, you’ll have no problem breathing in and out. Take your mask off and see live score updates right on the mask and cheer them on! Get them soon before they sell out! You can find them at Dick’s Sporting Goods, Champs, Sports Authority and Office Depot. *we refused to involve any of Brad’s Fantasy Football teams. We would not want him to receive any royalties for what he did during his time in the league.

Congratulations for those of you going 1-0 to start the season! Give yourself a slap on the ass. Come on boyz, let me hear those slaps! There should be six of them. Austin Armadillos vs Forry Mango One of these teams will start the season 0-2. Scott is already scrambling making 8 moves already. He’s on pace to beat Scuba Steve’s record for most moves made in a season with 90 back in 2003 (Fluffy Pink Bunnies holds the record with lowest made moves with 2 back in 2002) Since 2015, Scott has made a total of 245 moves (more than any other player) Ryan is cool as an Eskimo Brother, making only 35 moves since 2015. Does making waiver/FA moves really matter?? Sure, if you have injuries or your players are on a bye week you need to fill those roster spots, but does constantly updating your team equal a Championship?? In the entire history of the league, there’s only been five times when the Champion of the league made more than 18 moves in that season. (2005 - 55 moves, 2006 - 34 moves, 2015 - 56 moves, 2018 - 33 moves, 2019 - 31 moves) Who are those winners?? … Scuba and Forry. Two guys! Every other year the winner made 18 moves or less. Zuehlke won making only 5 moves. Jon and Pat won only making 6 moves. Andy won making only 9. Winning the league isn’t about making moves, but making the right moves. It all starts with the draft. Scott and Ryan’s draft did not get them a win Week 1. Will another loss keep Scott scrambling like an organic NON-GMO caged free egg? How long will Ryan hold still like Batman perched atop a buildings pillar before he makes another move?? We don’t have have to wait till week 10 to make this a rivalry game. These two have been battling since the early days. Kirby vs Zelda in Smash. Lakers and the Shaq defense vs the Pacers and Austin Croshere in NBA 2K. TCU vs any other team in NCAA. Madden Franchises. The lead characters in the 1999 Conant High School drama play ‘Arsenic and Old Lace.’ Scott is winning the WIG lifetime record against Ryan 13-10. Who’s gonna slap their ass after this weekend, and who’s ass hole will remain a gape? The Game of the Week is brought to you by… LitPit by Goblin PyroElectronics. The first of it’s kind outdoor/indoor portable fire pit delivers a unique design with an incredible flame to make the best campfire experience. Whether you’re renting a house at a weekend getaway, inviting friends over in your backyard, or on a quest and need to camp for the night and save your progress, LitPit performs like no other. With our award winning safety features - it keeps the surroundings wet wherever you place it. Control the temperature with ease and the height of the flame when jumping over it. Great for roasting food or burning large furniture items. We have customer service reps literally standing by 24/7 watching though a window to make sure everything’s fine. Make your next fire pit worthwhile. Get LIT with LitPIt!

***BUNKER BUNKER READ ALL ABOUT IT*** Congratulations Jon for breaking the league record for most points scored in a game last week with 196.82!! Taking over the top spot that Dave held since 2006 with 190.63 (non-ppr/non-superflex) Also, since defeating Robb with a score of 196.82 - 83.08 that is the 3rd Biggest Blowout victory in league history with 113.74 points! The top 2 Biggest Blowout games in league history are: 2018 Nardiello Starfruit - 181.10, 4E’s Cockles Shop - 55.02 (126.08 points) 2004 Kelly Kelly Kelly - 159.13, Jessica Bushek - 33.13* (126 points) *record for lowest points scored in a game teehee tree hee Robbs Driver Upgrade vs Next Kicked Out? If we had to start over and redraft, you could argue that the top 2 picks of the fantasy football draft this year would be Alvin Kamara and Ezekiel Elliot. It’s no surprise that both these teams are starting off hot with a 2-0 record. Not because they have the top 2 guys in Fantasy right now. It’s because both these teams really do like to start the season hot… hot like Austin, Texas in August. Wowy Wowy that humidity is no joke! In 2011, Zuehlke started the season 0-10, since then there have been four seasons where he has started at least 2-0 (2-0 in 2012, 4-0 in 2015, 5-0 in 2016, and 6-0 in 2019) Since 2012, Forry has also started the season with at least a 2-0 record four times (2-0 in 2014, 5-0 in 2015, 4-0 in 2017, and 2-0 in 2019) They have started seasons better than any other team and they continue that dominance in 2020. The seez is still early boys. A lot of what we are seeing now could be fools gold in later weeks, especially with injuries happening left and right. In 2009, No Ceilings (Robb) won the first two games of the season - then lost the last 11… so anything can happen!! Forry’s Lifetime record against Z is 10 - 6. He knocked him out in the semi finals last year. Who’s gonna continue their hot streak and start 3-0?? The Game of the Week is brought to you by… FORE!ZONE Driver by Anaconda. Upgrading your driver? Look no further. FORE!ZONE is so powerful you’ll need to wait till the group ahead of you finishes putting before teeing off. The extra stiff shaft and mushroom shaped head offers more acceleration power to make your balls fly longer and straighter. A sexy optimized T-Bar makes even the ladies at Industrial Strip jealous. With 20% more Carbon fiber and organic Low Carb High fiber it allows us to label this KETO and appear in more search engines. In golf size does matter. So go ahead and play with your dick out and stroke away with FORE!ZONE by Anaconda.

Derek Zoolander vs JonBar If the massacre of injured players and the disappointment of early round draft picks wasn’t enough to make this seez adamantium hard… COVID-19 has entered the Fantasy Football chat. 3 players tested positive on the Tennessee Titans early this week which caused the NFL to make decisions decisions. They went back and forth so many times you’d think they were trying to figure out Scott’s sexually. Instead of having a rare Tuesday Night Football game, they decided to postpone the Week 4 game entirely! Why does this matter? Well when two 3-0 teams are going head to head, this could be the biggest game of the season. Jon is coming into this game with a 3 game winning streak vs Andy and a 15-4 Lifetime record against him. I keep talking about Lifetime records each week, but I find it interesting that no matter what year, who you have on your team or what the rules are, some players just have more success (or less success) against other players. Ryan has a 79% Lifetime winning percentage against Zuehlke (19-5) Andy only has winning Lifetime records against 2 players (Eric 5-3 and Zuehlke 12-11) Everybody else has a winning record against him! Only him and Matt (2-1 vs Andy, 3-2 vs Watts) have the least amount of Lifetime winning records during their Weekend In Galena Fantasy Football Careers. Who has the most winning Lifetime records against each player?? Mr. Jason Forry. You hate to read it, but he has a winning Lifetime record against every player except for Jon (8-8) and Rob (4-4) - a win against both of these guys later this year and he will become the 1st and only player to have a winning Lifetime record against every team. Stay tuned… Andy is averaging a solid 120 points a game with the help of his first pick Derrick Henry who is coming off a 26 point game. Going up against Jon who’s averaging unprecedented amount of points through 3 weeks without Derrick Henry will be tougher than trying to outlast Zuehlke in a GORUCK challenge. With the news of Cam “Scam” Newton testing positive with COVID makes this year even more unpredictable- you have a better chance guessing how many kernels are popping in Ryan’s popcorn machine than guessing who’s getting COVID next or what games are getting postponed or even canceled. If only they were wearing their Weekend in Galena Fantasy Football team logo masks!! Just keep playing boys, it doesn’t matter if you’re soon to be 4-0 or 0-4, slip on those new pair of Mack Weldon boxer briefs you received in the mail, apply some Beauty Counter moisturizer and Brightening facial oil and Buckle up - this years ring can be anybody’s. The Game of the Week is brought to you by... JonBar. Long known for the Best Bar in Chicago, this lively Avondale Neighborhood space is not your typical bar experience. With a chic decor, it offers plenty of good tunes and all your favorite video game systems and games. There is no better place for you and your friends to enjoy some of the best cocktails from Chicago’s #1 Bartender. It is a must for any mixology enthusiast. Drink menus includes the Signature Smoked Old Fashioned, the Classic Carrot 2.0 Martini, Lychee Martini, Afternoon Tea, and many more. With additional events ranging from Pre-Gaming gaming, Halloween parties and even Bachelor parties you’ll always guarantee stories and memories that last a lifetime. Enter your email and subscribe to receive promotions, news and special tasting events. Follow Jonbar on Instagram @jnovales to find out where in the world the Best Bartender in Chicago gets his inspiration. #JonVoyage

Fresh Prnce o Helaire vs Robbs Driver Upgrade Well this is a freebie… Some weeks it’s difficult to decide which matchup is worthy of the GOTW, but what makes this game so special is that Eric has NEVER beaten his older brother! That’s right. Since joining the league in 2015, Eric Forry is 0-7 against Jason Forry. Of course Jason comes into this week with a 5-0 record looking to stay undefeated. This year we have two 5-0 teams… first time in WIG league history! Before this year there has only been 9 teams to ever start the year 5-0. But does starting off hot really keep that LitPit fire pit burning all year?? In the history of the league, only 4 teams have started the season winning their first 6 games or more - 2002 Pink Bandits (Dave) started 8-0 (finished 11-3 and took 2nd place) 2007 Daviators (Dave) started 8-0 (finished 11-2 and got out the second round) 2008 EPIC FAIL 2 (Scuba) started 9-0 (finished 10-3 and out the second round) 2019 Next Kicked Out? (Zuehlke) started 6-0 (finished 7-6 and out the second round) If you make it to 6-0, you’ll go deep into the playoffs. If you make it to just 5-0, well, only one team has made it past the first round. Who is it?? Mr. Jason Forry… you hate to read it. In 2015 2 Scoops of moultan started 5-0 (finished 11-2 and came in 1st place) Will Jason become the 5th team to ever start the year 6-0?? Can Eric finally end this losing streak against his older brother?? Will there be more broken records this week?? We’re passed the quarter mark of the season. Bye weeks are upon us, and we’re starting to figure out what team we have. The squeaky wins a few weeks ago kept the rankings super close. Anything is possible boys. This seez is just getting started! The Game of the Week is brought to you by... Patsmilk. This brand new Oat Milk has been trending all over social media. Influencers cannot stop hashtagging it. “We believe in transparency. 3 simple ingredients such as our triple blend of low quality oil (rapeseed, cottonseed, soybean) to give you that rich and creamy texture. Fresh unfiltered water straight from the tap located in Rolling Meadows Illinois. Our abundance of super dry Oats are sprayed with enough extra spicey roundup to make you grow a third arm... who doesn’t want a third arm?!” - Pat Watts, founder Only 69 cents a gallon! It will last up to two years after opening. On sale now at Meijer, ALDI, and Jewel-Osco. Coupons for Buy-1-Get-1 in Sunday’s Daily Herald. Oat milk sucks ass. Patsmilk sucks dick.

Forry Mango vs Next Kicked Out? Wowy wow wow, what a crazy season it’s been so far! Euge finally got his first win of the season last week after starting the season 0-6 (remember Euge, in 2010 Ryan started the season 0-6 and he still made the playoffs, so keep fighting!) What’s the worst start in league history?? In 2011 Ninja-Turtle Robbies (Zuehlke) started 0-10.. and no he did not make the playoffs teehee. Not only did Euge snap his season losing streak, he also snapped his losing streak against Eric… Euge was 0-2 lifetime against him before last week. Eric is already coming off a huge loss against his brother Jason in Week 6 which extended his losing streak against his brother (he’s now 0-8 lifetime) Yikes, cold streaks really do run in the Forry family… With an 8 game winning streak against Eric, Jason is now 2 games away from tying the league record of Longest Streak Ever against one player! He has another chance to tie that record because by defeating Ryan earlier this year that extends his winning streak against him at 9. Who holds the league record for longest winning streak against a player?? Well from 2004 to 2009 Ryan had a 10 game winning streak against Zuehlke Ryan lost his first 2 games against him in 2003, and since then he is now 19-3 since 2004… wowy wow wow! That’s why this matchup is the GOTW!! Sure Forry is 8-0 against Eric. Sure Euge is 2-0 against Pat. But Ryan historically has had more success against Zuehlke than any player in the league. A loss this week and Zuehlke can drop down to #6 seed. A loss for Ryan and he might be in the #9 slot. Who will rise and who will fall?? The Game of the Week is brought to you by… The COVID-19 FCR Testing Program. Over the course of this pandemic, scientists have learned that some people who carry the COVID-19 virus don’t feel sick, yet they may be spreading the virus unknowingly By participating in this testing, you have a chance to be alerted of the condition and seek medical attention right away and keep your family and workplace safe. The test for the presence of the coronavirus uses a technique called FCR (faecal chain reaction), which analyzes a sample from your inner anus area. To collect the sample, a 12” shaft is placed about an inch (2.5 cm) into the anus for 15 seconds and rotated. Then thrust all the way in for 2 seconds. Gently pull the shaft out of the anus until the shaft is an inch (2.5 cm) into the anus and rotate. Thrust the shaft all the way in for 2 seconds, and repeat these steps for 5 minutes gradually thrusting harder and faster every time. It is not painful, but rather pleasurable and it may cause you to sneeze. You may also do this test in front of others. The shaft pairs bluetooth to your phone and the data will be added to the COVID-19 FCR Testing Program app. Results are typically available in two to three hours. Clean the shaft with a 70% Isopropanol wipe and store in a cool dry place. Take the test as often as you’d like. We expect to learn a lot during this program, and hope to expand testing availability to more people over time.